It's Hard.

I haven't felt like posting lately, mainly because I feel like this blog should be about happy things and I haven't felt very happy lately. Landon will be doing a lot of the posting after this, for a while.

My Dad's funeral was awesome (as awesome as a funeral can be anyway). I have to say that all my siblings and my Mom and many others (Uncles, Aunts, friends and ward members) really stepped up to the plate and made it really nice. Many nice words were said about my Dad. He was a great man. Always will be to me. I wish that everybody could have known my Dad.

It is fun now to look for little signs that my Dad is with us. Things that everyday people would say whatever. But things that my family says that's Dad looking down on us. I have no doubt as to my Dads place in heaven. Our family has our own personal angel now.

After the funeral, I stayed for a few extra days to try to help comfort my mom. On July 2nd, I was loading up the car to come home and my mom said,"I think I am going to go with you". I was so excited because I knew as long as she was with me I knew what she was doing and how she was feeling and I could do my best to help her. And off we went. New Mexico bound.

Mom stayed with us for a week and a half. I am so grateful she did. I ended up getting strep throat halfway into her stay and she was tremendous help. The kids actually got fed and the laundry got done. I felt so bad. She just got done taking care of my Dad and had to come take care of me. I wanted her to come to our house and have fun and that was not the case. I kept telling her how sorry I was. She would just say, its okay it keeps me busy and doesn't give me time to think.

Mom left yesterday. I cried. I think having her here helped to pause my mourning. I was so focused on making sure she was okay (and being sick) that I didn't cry once while she was here. (Okay, maybe once but we cried together). Now with her back in Arizona I feel like I need to move on. The whole world can't stop for me while I mourn. I know that my days of mourning my Dad are long from being over. I keep telling myself that it is okay to cry.

Its been hard to want to return to a "normal" life. I feel like if I go back to normal then I am forgetting my Dad and I don't want that. There is a saying that I read on a Caring Bridge Website that honors my friend's Son it reads; "Moving Forward, But Not Moving On". That is exactly how I feel. I will move forward. But I won't move on. I want to remember my Dad forever. Nothing will be the same with out him. There will always be a little ache inside me for him.

On a side note: Thank you to all of you who have called me, left such sweet comments for me or attend the funeral with the sole purpose to support me. I am so grateful to have such a great circle of support during these hard times.